


another story told in private

by socially_awkward_di



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Hatred, emotional late night talks, it might be viewed as angst, wooseok is there to listen, yuto vents his concerns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:02:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28387458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/socially_awkward_di/pseuds/socially_awkward_di
Summary: If Wooseok didn’t know this person well enough he might have thought it was his sign to back off, to leave this person alone but Wooseok knows him. He knows that he needs to pry just a little more, he knows that the person wants to tell him but he is hesitant, he thinks his concerns are not "good enough".
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	another story told in private

‘Hey, what’s up?’ Wooseok greets while putting his bag on the ‘wardrobe’-chair because why have an object with a sole purpose of storing clothes, bags and shoes when you can have a chair-multitasker?

_Silence._

‘Is everything fine?’ He asks just to check. Just to make sure.

_Silence._

Yup, he saw it coming.

Wooseok silently takes a deep breath and comes closer to the table where a very important person for him is sitting in front of his computer mindlessly scrolling through social media.

The room is well-lit. It always is. The music in the headphones is upbeat and cheerful. It always is. The silence is speaking. It always is.

Wooseok rolls his chair to the left part of the table and sits. He looks at the side profile of this very important person, he sees a slightly red nose, soft cheeks with redish spots on them and almost unnoticeably puffy eyes. He doesn’t say anything, he just looks. He waits.

Finally, this very important person takes a deep breath, takes off his headphones, pauses the music and turns his head to the left.

‘What?’ He asks in a slightly raspy voice. If Wooseok didn’t know this person well enough he might have thought the person was annoyed but thankfully Wooseok knew him all to well.

‘Were you crying?’ He asks calmly, kindly.

‘No,’ the person humphs and looks back at the screen.

‘Don’t say that. I can see that you were.’

‘It’s nothing,’ he looks at the tweets on his timeline but it’s clear that he doesn’t register what he sees.

‘If you cried it is something,’ Wooseok pushes a bit more.

‘It’s really not worth mentioning,’ he shakes his head a bit. Again, if Wooseok didn’t know this person well enough he might have thought it was his sign to back off, to leave him alone but Wooseok knows. He knows that he needs to pry just a little more, he knows that the person wants to tell him but he is hesitant, thinks it’s not worth bothering someone. 

‘Please. Tell me.’

‘Okay, fine,’ he says a bit too harsh. ‘I’m a hypocrite. I don’t deserve anything of what I have. I hate myself. Are you satisfied?’ He speaks in short sentences. Probably his throat is closing again. Tears start to well-up in his eyes but he tries to fight them. He doesn’t want to cry. He doesn’t want to look so pathetic.

‘You know it’s not true,’ Wooseok says calmly, kindly. He braces himself mentally because with each sentence he is breaking the dam and any moment masses of water will come crushing everything on their way.

The person lets out a strained laugh.

‘What do you know, huh? I hate myself for not putting enough effort, I make some stuff of the second-best quality and call it a day. Then I either receive praise for it and I feel like the biggest cheater or I don’t receive enough praise and feel like I should have done better. I don’t have to worry about a lot of things other people are dealing with, I have the privilege to only focus on the task that needs to be done, yet I don’t. I can’t even do one thing properly. I hate myself for this but I do nothing to change the situation. I hate how I crave validation. All. The. Time. Without it I start doubting myself. I want to stop. I want to give up. Yet the praise I receive becomes outdated quickly. Give it week, a month, a year and it feels wrong to remind myself of those achievements because they are in the past, they are no longer valid. I could have easily degraded; my past skills don’t define me anymore. I’m tired of trying to keep up with myself, of trying to outrun myself. But if I stop, I will let down so many people. People on whom I depend too much, people whom I can’t, don’t dare, to push away because without them I am no one. Stopping feels like losing. Losing to myself. These thoughts are constantly buzzing in my head when I’m procrastinating, when I click ‘post’ knowing I haven’t done my best. 

I hate that I’m a people’s pleaser, I hate that I say what needs to be said and not what I want to say. I hate that people have a wrong impression of me. I hate that I expect people to say something or do something and obviously they don’t do exactly that and then I get disappointed in them thought I am the one at fault. I hate that I have so many faces. I hate that I can’t understand what I am. Who I am. I hate that I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel in certain situations. I hate that my mood lets me play with people when I’m happy and push them away when I’m sad. I hate…myself.

I hate myself even more for whining and crying about it every so often. I hate that these talks we have with you, don’t think I don’t understand what’s going on right now, don’t help much. Some time passes and I’m back on square one. I am afraid that you might get sick of me, of this because I’m like a broken record going on and on about things that are so minor, things that are so selfish, things that are so not important in the grand scheme of things. Yet I can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking about this, I can’t force myself to work more, I can’t be more honest with people, I can’t force myself to feel more, to care more.

I hate that when I tell people about my concerns, they tell me “it’s okay to take a break”, “it’s fine to take things slow”, “you work enough”, “you’ll do great because you always do” and blah-blah-blah. Yeah, it _is_ okay to take a break but only if you’ve done something. My life is one big break with minutes of work sprinkled in between. It _is_ okay to take things slow if you have a goal, if you know where you are going. I just go with the flow. I get by because I’m living off my prior achievements, my prior knowledge but it does not defy who I am today and people just don’t want to see how pathetic I’ve become,’ somewhere in the middle of his rant he started crying. Hot tears rolling one after another. Salty waterfall streaming down his face. He was frustrated, he was angry, he was scared.

‘ _Yuto_ ,’ Wooseok said calmly, kindly. ‘Tomorrow will come and you’ll try to start fresh. You’ll have a ‘to do’ list, you’ll try applying yourself more. You’ll go for a walk. You’ll clear your head. You just need to start. You voiced all your concerns, now let’s start working on them. Let’s try to make _Yuto_ of tomorrow a bit better. But that will be tomorrow. Now do you want some tea with your favourite cheesecake?’

Yuto opened his mouth to say something.

‘Before you say anything. You’ve cried a lot, you lost a lot of calories, it’s just one piece of cheesecake. You won’t gain a lot of weight. Trust me.’

‘Okay,’ Yuto says, his voice raspy.

‘Good. Join me in the kitchen but before you do wash your face with some cold water,’ Wooseok stands up and walks towards the door.

Yuto takes a deep breath.

Yeah, he will start fresh tomorrow. He will try to be better. Will it last? No. Will he have another episode some time in the future? Yes. But right now he can live with a cup of tea, a slice of his favourite cheesecake and promise of tomorrow.


End file.
